"Lazzari's Sports Roundup" - - - - 1/2/16

Some things that one columnist would like to see in 2016:

*the terms "athlete" and "domestic violence" NOT be heard in the same sentence for one week
*the terms "athlete" and "concussion" NOT be heard in the same sentence for one DAY
*the terms "athlete" and "strip club" NOT be heard AT ALL
*the terms "football player" and "fireworks" NEVER be part of a news story again
*better accommodations at CT high school football venues for media members (a wish that has fallen on deaf ears for YEARS now)
*NO sports stories that begin with "Browns QB Johnny Manziel was spotted...."
*QB Johnny Manziel teach Sunday School classes
*free sandwiches at Slyman's Deli in Cleveland for Browns season-ticket holders whenever QB Johnny Manziel does something stupid
*the Phillie Phanatic be placed on baseball's Hall of Fame ballot
*N.Y. Jets fans hold onto ANY sanity they have remaining
*more parents who allow their kids' coaches to actually COACH them
*more ex-coaches/people like Herman Edwards talk to kids/future athletes--stressing how NOT to act
*free pizza at Pepe's (Frank Pepe Pizzeria Napoletana) following each Golden State Warriors victory
*a Victoria's Secret calendar be among the daily gifts given to media members at the Travelers Championship
*less writer's block
*less joint pain for a certain media member
*the NFL finally decide what DOES or DOES NOT constitute a pass reception
*a 1,000 page SI Swimsuit edition
*a Bill Belichick doll; you wind it up and it says NOTHING
*"common sense" become a bit more common--EVERYWHERE
*Derek Jeter rent out (for FREE) "St. Jetersburg" to sports columnists who've spoken highly of him over the years
*the rebirth of Fordham basketball continue under coach Jeff Neubauer
*good health for Fordham grads who SUFFERED while following the aforementioned basketball program over the past few decades
*Barry Bonds--as hitting coach of the Miami Marlins--wear a syringe on his back instead of a number
*Marlins outfielder Ichiro call it a career (it's TIME, Mr. Suzuki)
*youngsters truly GIVE A DAMN about their education
*someone be able to NAME the champions of each division in professional boxing
*female sideline reporters be judged/hired due to their TALENT--NOT by their looks (I know--a pipe dream)
*female news channel reporters be judged/hired due to, ummmm, well, you know the rest....
*play-by-play announcer Don Orsillo 'knock 'em dead' in San Diego
*stickball become a popular game among youngsters once again (I'm NOT holding my breath)
*a future Usain Bolt born somewhere
*a future Vin Scully born somewhere
*a future Greg Hardy not born ANYWHERE
*just ONE kid throwing a ball against a wall and catching it--and understanding the value in doing so
*a cell phone that provides deep-tissue massages
*more "student-athletes" in college who are legitimately STUDENT-athletes
*ANY talk-show I'm involved with go 100% smoothly
*the N.Y. Jets Flight Crew Cheerleaders serve lunch to media members at the Travelers Championship
*an NBA player with a tattoo that reads "I HATE tattoos"
*more "feel good" stories like the one involving K.C. Chiefs DB Eric Berry
*more NFL officials who are able to, ummm, OFFICIATE
*less DISGUSTING stories like the one involving TCU quarterback Trevone Boykin
*NOTHING but Sinatra music played before games, in-between innings, AND after games at Yankee Stadium
*less (A LOT less) college football Bowl games
*actress Sharon Stone place a personal ad--seeking an aging sports columnist
*actress Jennifer Lopez duplicate Ms. Stone's aforementioned actions
*more playground pick-up games
*the baseball cards that my Mom discarded when I was young suddenly REAPPEAR at my doorstep
*my old Farrah Fawcett poster that I had as a kid resurface (I believe it's with the baseball cards, folks)
*a soothing, calming yoga video starring the Cowboys' Dez Bryant
*the S.F. 49ers find an OFFENSE
*the N.O Saints find a DEFENSE
*a deflated Tom Brady figure/likeness at the entrance of Gillette Stadium
*the Philadelphia 76ers find some WINS
*guys like Jose Bautista and David Ortiz act as if they've hit home runs before
*a David Ortiz home run trot that doesn't last as long as "Stairway to Heaven"
*politicians STOP being "politicians"--and become LEADERS instead
*a delicious, FAT-FREE cheesecake
*Odell Beckham, Jr. become a TRUE professional
*a "financial health" warning sign in front of each concession stand at Yankee Stadium
*a CT high school football roster that is actually ACCURATE
*the music played at Eastern CT State University basketball games turned DOWN about 50 decibels
*RB Marshawn Lynch teach a "Public Speaking" course at some university near Seattle
*a bigger scoreboard inside the media tent at the Travelers Championship
*Jackie Bradley Jr. make up his mind regarding whether or not he can hit major league pitching
*the term "quality start" in baseball disappear like Jimmy Hoffa
*a statue of "Pistol Pete" Maravich in front of EVERY NBA arena
*some members of baseball's Pre-Integration Era Committee have their heads examined (re: Doc Adams)
*healthy, good-tasting French fries
*Sammy Sosa admit that he CAN speak English
*just THREE consecutive days of total sunshine in New England
*Nationwide commercials, featuring Peyton Manning, be used at various drama schools--showing students how NOT to act
*a statue of "Wild Bill" Hagy near the Orioles dugout at Camden Yards
*a statue of Pat Tillman at the entrance of every NFL stadium
*an NFL offensive lineman fall on a fumble CLEANLY
*idiotic TD celebration offenders in the NFL be FORCED to watch ex-RB Barry Sanders after HE scored a TD
*Finally, good health and prosperity for the faithful readers of this column.

Happy 2016, folks..............